Make Your Shit Great Again

Covfefe N°1, our premium toilet paper, is certainly the most trumpy line we have on offer.

While giving your bathroom the true character it deserves, Covfefe N°1 will also delight you with a beguiling softness beyond measure.

No more mourning in the morning, no more feeding your bum with buxom butterflies, deranged dolphins or flowering florets. Be bold to get it done and set a rule of poo. Let’s hold Covfefe N­°1 to do a Number 2.

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As it is with *three* presidential terms, just better: 12-Year Replacement Guarantee & 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee 

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Certainly blessed with a somewhat presidential character, Covfefe N°1 is a 100% family-friendly product for your daily use. With this fine roll in the toilet paper holder, your bathroom will instantly become a fun place in your house.

 

After manufactured in an eco-friendly factory in Germany, we’ll deliver your product with care and diligence. Our shipping boxes are large, the supply chain short, which allows us to have as little interaction as possible to get your toilet paper from us to you.

 

We guarantee not only your satisfaction but also your fun. Yes, we do. As a customer in the UK, you will get the whole gamut of our customer care. As there’s our world exclusive 12-Year Replacement Guarantee to make sure keeping you satisfied even long after your purchase. Additionally, we’ll give you a 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee. How’s that?

 

 

 

Let’s talk about the idea.

As you easily recognise, this is the U.S. president’s aeroplane, a Boeing VC-25A. It’s called “Air Force One” when he’s on the plane.

The original varnish was created by Raymond Loewy. Now our mega box was inspired by his varnish to make the whole thing looking presidential, in a funny way.

 

 

 

You don’t even need to hide the shipping box, which is a work of art, in the basement. Instead, you can place it highly visible anywhere you want.

If you look closely on the shipping box (or click on the seal), you can see our modified (cartoonish enhanced) “Seal of the POTUS”.

There we have replaced the bald eagle with a cotton wool-like orange head. As his facial expression clearly says, he’s doing a dump.

All that leads to a serious question: How much toilet paper is actually on the Air Force One?

We bet it is a good ‘Art of the Deal’ more than in W’s and Obama’s day together. At least we all know how important toilets are to this president, don’t we? And thank God, he didn’t send Delta Force helicopters over here, so we remain in business. For now.

 

 

 

Now let’s see what we have here.

Obviously, we’re printing the seal and the orange face, both altered in the way to match your toilet mood.

The colours are safe and won’t harm your or my bottom.

We make this for your daily use.

And we make it to create some fun for you and your family.

Also, it allows you to celebrate political inaccuracy in a virtuoso way.

In the end, you never know who other people will see in you until you let them go to your loo. They’ll recognise that you are so though you even shit with an attitude. That’s what Covfefe and its Klokaín brethren are all about.

 

 

How did we do that?

 

All sketches and drawings are entirely made on the computer. No hand-drawing were involved.

I made it by myself. I created a line and then I manipulated it so long until it became a part of the overall shape. The rest are nothing more than digitally ‘smeared’ spots of colour.

Mostly orange.

 

 

Apart from the technical stuff, we don’t take ourselves that seriously, but we take our customer service all the more.

Thus, we really mean business, when we give you our 12-Year Replacement Guarantee, and on top of it, a 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee.

I, and we as a company, finally would like to bring you the best toilet paper on the market. All delivered in the most funny way possible.

And yes, we are Germans, so we often have a hard time being funny. As such, we bend over backwards to make this product as less funny as possible in the hope it becomes funny again.

I think you’ll have genuine fun with this toilet paper.

 

 

 

 

Locked up in the loo? Stock Fire & Fury Blue

This is just right up your alley if you like to blue the finest toilet paper on the planet in no time.

Fire and Fury ensures binge-shitting without any fear of loo roll shortage. This load of toilet paper is easily lasting for a year.

Ride your toilet economically, and your whole family will enjoy it for just as long. — Share the fun. If you don’t want to, buy three of them.

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As it is with *three* presidential terms, just better: 12-Year Replacement Guarantee & 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee

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Fire and Fury is a toilet paper of high quality, that’s for sure. We give you this with some satire attitude, to let one go, metaphorically spoken. Made to the same standard as all of our toilet paper, it is hygienic, soft, and safe.

 

After manufactured in an eco-friendly factory in Germany, Fire and Fury is then brought to you with care and diligence. Our shipping boxes are large, the supply chain short, which allows us to have as little interaction as possible to get your toilet paper from us to you.

 

We guarantee not only your satisfaction but also your fun. Yes, we do. As a customer in the UK, you will get the whole gamut of our customer care. As there’s our world exclusive 12-Year Replacement Guarantee to make sure keeping you satisfied even long after your purchase. Additionally, we’ll give you a 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee. How’s that?

 

 

 

We have had enough of small, beautiful florets, stoned-looking fish, even more florets and butterflies.

This same old story is ridiculous.

What kind of butterfly really wants to fly circles around a toilet? And which fish swims happily in it? And who the hell is sniffing on a flower while sitting on the toilet?

Can you see where this is going?

Our expression is somewhat different, yet more focused on what it means to be on the toilet.

Just look at it and tell us what mood could be better suiting any toilet paper. — There we go.

 

 

How we did it

On the sketches above (click to enlarge) you can see how I created our own font for Fire and Fury. I wanted it to be original, and with verve.

The grimace, the lettering and the symbols are created on the computer, using only two software programs, GIMP and OpenOffice Draw. The rest is magic, which stems from imagination.

 

Besides all the fun and satirical vein, we would like to give you the best possible toilet paper for your daily use.

And yes, we are serious about our 12-Year Replacement Guarantee, along with our 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee.

So why not giving your toilet more attitude? It is your toilet, and so your right to be moody.

 

 

Three shits ahead with Fire & Fury Red

With this fine toilet paper, you will always be at least one shit ahead. — Ahead of the dread when something evil has spread.

If your lavatory madness has no end in sight, it’s time for Fire and Fury to shine a light.

If farting sounds like gunshots, you may have had five nachos. But if you had just three of them, now be a man and shit for ten.

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As it is with *three* presidential terms, just better: 12-Year Replacement Guarantee & 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee

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Fire and Fury is a toilet paper of high quality, that’s for sure. We give you this with some satire attitude, to let one go, metaphorically spoken. Made to the same standard as all of our toilet paper, it is hygienic, soft, and safe.

 

After manufactured in an eco-friendly factory in Germany, Fire and Fury is then brought to you with care and diligence. Our shipping boxes are large, the supply chain short, which allows us to have as little interaction as possible to get your toilet paper from us to you.

 

We guarantee not only your satisfaction but also your fun. Yes, we do. As a customer in the UK, you will get the whole gamut of our customer care. As there’s our world exclusive 12-Year Replacement Guarantee to make sure keeping you satisfied even long after your purchase. Additionally, we’ll give you a 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee. How’s that?

 

 

 

We have had enough of small, beautiful florets, stoned-looking fish, even more florets and butterflies.

This same old story is ridiculous.

What kind of butterfly really wants to fly circles around a toilet? And which fish swims happily in it? And who the hell is sniffing on a flower while sitting on the toilet?

Can you see where this is going?

Our expression is somewhat different, yet more focused on what it means to be on the toilet.

Just look at it and tell us what mood could be better suiting any toilet paper. — There we go.

 

 

How we did it

On the sketches above (click to enlarge) you can see how I created our own font for Fire and Fury. I wanted it to be original, and with verve.

The grimace, the lettering and the symbols are created on the computer, using only two software programs, GIMP and OpenOffice Draw. The rest is magic, which stems from imagination.

 

Besides all the fun and satirical vein, we would like to give you the best possible toilet paper for your daily use.

And yes, we are serious about our 12-Year Replacement Guarantee, along with our 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee.

So why not giving your toilet more attitude? It is your toilet, and so your right to be moody.

 

 

Get Klokaín for Quarantine

Our Klokaín Edición El Patròn is a luxury toilet paper in honor of drug lord Pablo Escobar.

With this limited edition you shit exclusively with style. As a customer, you’re one of a fortunate few who share the experience using the world’s best toilet paper:

¡LA EDICIÓN EL PATRÓN!

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No drug lord has done time this long: 12-Year Replacement Guarantee & 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee

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How far can you go? Not far enough, if you ask us. As this toilet paper is a statement by a bad-ass user, it does its job very well. It says, the boss shits here. And to leave no doubt, it is embossed with the boss of bosses.

 

Klokaín Edición El Patrón is bleached (oxygenated), blank (unprinted), and German (Teuton). We’ll deliver it with care and diligence. Our shipping boxes are large, the supply chain short, which allows us to have as little interaction as possible to get your toilet paper from us to you.

 

We guarantee your satisfaction as well as your fun. As a customer in the UK, you will get the whole gamut of our customer care. — There’s our world exclusive 12-Year Replacement Guarantee to make sure keeping you satisfied even long after your purchase. Additionally, we’ll give you a 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee. We’ll serve you like a boss.

 

 

Klokaín is a made-up coinage, which is mainly a combo of the two German words Klo – Loo, and Kokain – Cocaine.

On the shipping box the slogan Direkt vom Bösewicht – Straight from the Bad Guy, was inspired by Al Pacino’s “Make way for the bad guy!” when he played Tony Montana in Scarface.

Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar, on the other hand, did see himself differently.

 

“There can only be one king.”— Pablo Escobar

 

That’s what he said. But what about you? Are you the king or the queen at home? Make your statement.

Take a roll of Klokaín Edición El Patrón and mark your territory! Or let your significant other doing this by making it look like their idea.

What if someone removes your Klokaín? Ha, you’ve got a whole stockpile of them left. Let the game begin. And may the best man win.

 

 

While we as the Klokaín-Kartell refer to ourselves as outlaw entrepreneurs, we also endorse the family. If the world spreads uncertainty, we still have that centre of stability.

We think that regardless of what we put on offer, it has to be of the highest possible quality. Hygiene is important, and so is safety and skin-friendliness.

This toilet paper is colouring-free and free of any chemicals, and thus unperfumed. It is the perfect toilet paper for the young and the old.

You can be dead certain that we make all of our toilet paper with attitude. How could it be the other way around?

 

 

Freakishly Asked Questions

 

 

Is it OK to have an evil narco as a figurehead on one of your main products?
Yes, because you can clean your bum with it. It’s satire after all.

Is it OK to design this product “in honour” of a murder?
Yes, it is, because any satire has to go to lock its horns, to be in contestation.

Is it OK to do business with all this and using it commercially?
Yes, if it’s satire and factual accurate while using officially licensed or original material, which we do.

Isn’t the very existence of this company a sure sign of coarsening in culture and society?
If you go three steps back, it looks like it is. But if you look close enough, you’ll notice the opposite. We raise the bar for customer respect, product innovation and the level of communication. We even guarantee it.

Did you have fun making all this?
You bet! And welcome aboard!

 

 

 

 

A Soft German Toilet Paper

Why is all toilet paper trivialised as if it were only made for stuffy people, wimps and babies? Why can’t it be made for the hard-boiled?

It can, and we made it with you as The Real King of Cool in mind. And yes, Klokaín is pretty lairy. Get it if you dare.

Klokaín isn’t for pussycats or the philistine household. It’s for the tough and sophisticated, those who even shit with an attitude.

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Lasts longer than WWII: 12-Year Replacement Guarantee & 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee

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This is our original line of toilet paper and it’s our personal favourite. — If you like your toilet to have class, this is for you. If you want to make a subtle statement, here you go. If you want to sex up your club or location, we deliver.

 

Klokaín the Original is bleached (oxygenated), blank (unprinted), and German (Teuton). We’ll deliver it with care and diligence. Our shipping boxes are large, the supply chain short, which allows us to have as little interaction as possible to get your toilet paper from us to you.

 

We guarantee your satisfaction as well as your fun. As a customer in the UK, you will get the whole gamut of our customer care. As there’s our world exclusive 12-Year Replacement Guarantee to make sure keeping you satisfied even long after your purchase. Additionally, we’ll give you a 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee. We’ll treat you with respect.

 

Klokaín is a made-up coinage, which is mainly a combo of the two German words Klo – Loo, and Kokain – Cocaine.

On the shipping box the slogan Direkt vom Bösewicht – Straight from the Bad Guy, was inspired by Al Pacino’s “Make way for the bad guy!” when he played Tony Montana in Scarface.

 

Did you ever wish to scare the idiots?

 

With an unusual toilet paper like Klokaín, this is entirely possible. Put Klokaín in the toilet paper holder and see what happens.

There are plenty of opportunities for a Klokaín experience: Undesirable relatives, pushy (and sometimes clingy) insurance agents, your narrow-minded cohabitant or your fiance you want get rid off at the last minute.

As long as it reinforces your attitude, is fun and sets you free, we’re all for it. But…

What if you have connection in mind? How can you be the King of Cool immediately without saying any single word? Let Sweet Mother Klokaín do the work.

 

Yes, you can strike the right people.

 

Klokaín separates the bold from the crab. — You could easily attract similar-minded people. Great people are like moving targets. It can be hard to get them. It can be done obliquely, as a present to someone else, whose friends are of the right ilk. As Klokaín is too big to miss, they’ll go into the matter. We witnessed it more than once.

 

 

More than just toilet paper

 

Sure, you can clean your bottom superbly with this soft warden of your toilet. Its safety and skin-friendliness are standard for any of our fine products. But most important, Klokaín is giving any conformist’s mindset the finger. For example, our customer experience is quite a contrarian.

We absolutely mean business with our unique double guarantee, which consists of our 12-Year Replacement Guarantee and a 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee. We are the only toilet paper manufacturer in the world that offers this.

We do business directly with you, right here through this website, no intermediary or go-between involved.

And, finally, would you mind us that we don’t see you as a CA (Consumer Anonymous)?

We prefer to treat you as a customer.

 

 

 

 

German nights always go down the toilet

Not only that. Nichts is the dullest toilet paper ever. To achieve this, we went to great lengths to eliminate all of the fun and joy. Why?

Germans take themselves very seriously, and so do their bottoms. They go so far that they don’t even dare to fart. You’ll hear nothing.

To keep up appearances for the members of Bratwurst Nation, we created this overly discreet solution: NICHTS – NOTHING.

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Sleep better at night with a 12-Year Replacement Guarantee & 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee

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This is our most sensibly priced line of toilet paper. — If you would like to have the high-end quality and safety of Klokaín, but without any branding or graphic on the product itself, maybe that would be something for you.

 

Nichts is bleached (oxygenated), blank (unprinted), and German (Teuton). We’ll deliver it with care and diligence. Our shipping boxes are large, the supply chain short, which allows us to have as little interaction as possible to get your toilet paper from us to you.

 

We guarantee your satisfaction as well as your fun. As a customer in the UK, you will get the whole gamut of our customer care. As there’s a world exclusive 12-Year Replacement Guarantee to make sure keeping you satisfied even long after your purchase. Additionally, we’ll give you a 120-Day Money-Back Guarantee.

 

 

… and nothing but the truth

 

There’s nothing remarkable to be seen on the toilet paper itself. No colour, no graphics, and no imprint. But why? Some customers were asking for a blank or neutral version of our Klokaín line of toilet paper, still made within the high standards as all of our offerings. So I finally came up with this expression.

The caption on the box, Absolut rein gar nichts – Absolutely nothing at all, lends some weight to Nichts. I was inspired by the idea of “a show about nothing” by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld. David once said it was a mere joke. Eventually, it became a great one.

I don’t know if Nichts is going down well, specifically for you. Nevertheless, we want you to have the same product choice as “ze Tchermans hef”. Perhaps it lends some inspiration to you too. Who knows.

I can absolutely assure you that you can apply all of our toilet paper lines for your daily use. They’re no mere joke items, although, they do the trick. And why not? Klokaín is fun, after all.